Letter of Complaint
by Noreaga
Summary: A (hopefully) humorous story with the gang of FF8. Based on a Law & Order fic of the same nature. ;)


Note: This story isn't supposed to be making fun of anybody or anyone. It's just me playing around with the characters a little bit. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, blah, blah, blah.....  
  
+++++++++++++++++  
  
"'To Whom It May Concern.'"  
  
"Nah, let's start it with 'Dear Sir or Madam.'"  
  
"But don't you think it would be slightly insulting if it sounded like you didn't even know what gender this person was?"  
  
"But 'To Whom It May Concern' sounds like the beginning of a ransom note."  
  
"For Pete's sake, Zell, just write the damn letter."  
  
"...Okay fine. Let's just use 'To Whom It May Concern.' What comes after that?"  
  
"How about.."  
  
Whoosh.  
  
Zell Dincht and Squall Leonhart looked up from the computer. The sliding door opened, and Quistis Trepe stepped into the room, her hair done up and glasses on.  
  
"What are you two doing?" she asked.  
  
"We're writing a letter to the video game fanfiction community," Zell quickly replied.  
  
"Community? There's a community?"  
  
"Yeah," answered Squall. "And we're writing a letter of complaint."  
  
Quistis raised her eyebrows. "Letter of complaint? What's your complaint?"  
  
"We're just want to clear up some misconceptions about our characters," Squall said and turned back to the computer. "First of all, tell them I'm not an introverted jerk. I'm quite a nice guy, if you got to know me. I like teddy bears and champagne."  
  
"Okay." Zell entered Squall's words into the word processor. "And while we're at it, I'd like to get rid of this idea that I'm obsessed with hot dogs. I mean, sure, I like hotdogs, but it's not my freaking life."  
  
Quistis quickly joined in. "Yeah! And tell them I am over Squall, dammit! I don't 'love' him anymore! It was just a stupid crush. Besides, he wasn't that great of a guy anyway."  
  
"Gee thanks, Quistis."  
  
"No problem Squall."  
  
Whoosh.  
  
The door opened, and Rinoa came in, fingering her necklace idly. "Hey, what're you guys doing here?" she asked.  
  
"Writing a letter," Squall said. "We're complaining to the fanfiction community about the way we've been portrayed in stories."  
  
Rinoa quickly rushed over to the computer. "Great idea! Ohmygod, I have so much to complain about! Okay, I am not Ultimecia. I repeat: NOT ULTIMECIA. I will never be Ultimecia. I am not --"  
  
"Okay, okay, they get they point. You're not Ultimecia."  
  
Rinoa continued, "I don't date Seifer anymore. And I don't hate my father. That was just a phase."  
  
"And don't forget to add that Rinoa and I aren't all lovey-dovey," Squall said. "I mean, she's hot and I'm hot, but it doesn't mean we have to make out and hold hands in every other paragraph."  
  
Zell nodded. "Keep going."  
  
Whoosh.  
  
In walked Irvine and Selphie, holding hands.  
  
"Whatcha doin'?" Selphie said.  
  
"Writing a letter to the fanfiction community," Zell replied, typing furiously. "Got anything to complain about?"  
  
Selphie thought for a second. "Tell them I'm not an airhead. Just because I sing retarded songs about trains doesn't mean I'm a ditz."  
  
"That title belongs to Rinoa," Quistis muttered.  
  
"I heard that!"  
  
"Hey!" Irvine interjected. "Say in your letter that I'm not a flirt!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"What? I'm not!"  
  
Selphie reviewed the contents on the computer screen. "You know what I really hate? When they write sex scenes with me and Irvy. Don't they know I'm abstinent?"  
  
Irvine looked at Selphie, horrified. "You're what?!"  
  
Rinoa nodded. "Ugh, I hate sex scenes. And sexual innuendos with me and Squall. They make me feel so.dirty."  
  
"Not that it's a new feeling for you," Quistis muttered again.  
  
Rinoa glared at the instructor.  
  
"I would just like to add.that whole losing my temper thing? That was just one huge misunderstanding. I always have my temper under control," Zell said.  
  
"And I suppose throwing a hotdog at Selphie's camera was a sign of your usual serene demeanor?" Quistis commented sarcastically.  
  
"Shut up," retorted Zell.  
  
Whoosh.  
  
Edea, Cid, Seifer, and the rest of the posse walked through the door.  
  
"I heard something's going on in here," Cid announced.  
  
"We're writing a letter of complaint to fanfic writers," Zell informed for the umpteenth time.  
  
Cid enthusiastically joined in the discussion. "I just want to make sure everyone knows that I'm not a wimp. I ran away from the Garden battle because I had a bad back."  
  
Everyone rolled their eyes.  
  
"And no more man-on-man fics!" Seifer yelled. "I don't want another shower scene with me and Zell."  
  
Zell winced. "Yeah, that wasn't pleasant."  
  
"Hey, at least you didn't hit the sack with Irvine," Squall said, jerking his thumb at the cowboy.  
  
Irvine smiled slyly. "Actually, that was pretty --"  
  
"Also," Quistis interrupted before Irvine could get into any detail, "I'm not a lesbian."  
  
"You're not?" Irvine asked, intrigued.  
  
"Don't forget to mention I can talk normally," Fujin inserted. "I just had a sore throat for that one week."  
  
"And I'm not dumb, ya know?" Raijin said. "Why does everyone think that, ya know? I mean, I'm being accepted into Harvard, ya know? Does that sound stupid to you?"  
  
"Everyone, slow down!" Zell yelled. "I can't type that fast."  
  
And so everyone waited for Zell to catch up.  
  
"Okay," the blonde martial artist said. "Anything else?"  
  
"You know Quistis," Irvine said, still stuck on the lesbian thing. "If you're not a lesbian - not that there's anything wrong with that - maybe I could, you know, show you a good time?"  
  
"Irvy!" Selphie slapped her boyfriend across the face. "Oh, and don't forget to tell them I'm not a possessive and jealous girlfriend."  
  
Zell decided to leave that out.  
  
Whoosh.  
  
More people arrived. This time is was Laguna, Ellone, Kiros, and Ward. Behind them marched a whole parade of minor characters and NPC's.  
  
"Hey kid," Seifer said to a boy in pale blue shirt, "who're you?"  
  
"I'm the annoying guy who jogs around Balamb Garden."  
  
"Okay, I think there's way too many people in here," Zell said. "It's getting stuffy."  
  
"Out, all you non-important characters! Out!" Rinoa shooed.  
  
With a collective disappointed groan, all the not-so-vital NPC's walked out of the room, leaving only Laguna, Ellone, Kiros, Ward, and the library girl.  
  
"Are you that important?" a surprised Quistis asked the library girl.  
  
"Of course I am," Library Girl answered. "I'm the basis of an entire sidequest!"  
  
Laguna strolled up to computer. "So what're you guys up to?"  
  
"We're writing a complaint letter to video game fanfic writers," Zell said, getting tired of explaining it over and over.  
  
"Oh good, I was hoping somebody would do something like this," Laguna jumped in. "Tell them to stop making me look like such a jerk for leaving Raine and Squall. I mean, I had no choice."  
  
"...." Ward added.  
  
Kiros translated: "He says he wishes that fanfic writers would stop making Laguna so annoying. It's hard to live with him when he's like that."  
  
"Stop.making.Laguna.annoying.Anything else?" said Zell as he typed.  
  
Ellone remarked, "Could you also tell them I'm not a weak little girl? For some reason, I'm always in trouble. I can take care of myself. I know karate."  
  
Laguna rubbed his hip, wincing. "Yup, she knows karate alright."  
  
"And I'm over Zell now," the library girl said dreamily. "Now I love Squaaaaaalll." She threw herself onto Squall with a very jealous Rinoa mouthing "whore" behind them.  
  
"Whoa, whoa.get off me," Squall said, peeling Library Girl back. Then he focused his attention back onto the letter. "Tell them to stop describing my eyes so much," Squall told Zell. "They keep writing paragraphs using all these fluffy adjectives about the color of my eyes. They're blue-gray. Just leave it at that."  
  
"And they always describe the way I smell," Rinoa said, wrinkling her nose. "In those cheesy romance stories. I always smell 'sweet' or 'like a rose.' Who the hell cares? It's just downright freaky."  
  
Irvine listened and wished someone would write about how he smelled. He quite liked his scent. It was a nice manly musky sort of smell.  
  
"You have it easy," Quistis scoffed. "They're always trying to get into my head, like I'm some sort of psychological experiment. I'm not always thinking complex thoughts, you know. And I'm not suicidal!"  
  
"Neither am I!" Laguna said.  
  
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Squall said. "It's like, I'll be minding my own business, and then WHAM! All of a sudden I'm thinking all these angsty thoughts. It's disturbing."  
  
"Yeah, I hate it when they make me think more than normal," Irvine agreed. Everybody snickered at that.  
  
"I would like to say," Edea spoke for the first time, "that I don't like my role as the mother figure all the time. I never get to have fun. Or go out with the rest of you guys and kick some ass."  
  
Zell finished typing out "Edea wants to kick some bad guy ass" and asked, "Okay, is that it?"  
  
Everybody nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I think that's pretty much it," Squall said.  
  
"In that case, I'll send the letter." Zell pressed the "submit" button, and the job was done. "Hopefully, this letter will get people's attention."  
  
Oh, don't worry, it will.  
  
Startled, everybody looked around them. "Who's that?!" asked Rinoa.  
  
"I think that's the author," Zell said.  
  
Yes, it's me. Now if you're all quite finished writing your letter, I'd like to take control now.  
  
"Uh oh." Zell managed to say before he disappeared.  
  
Poof! Poof! Quistis, the library girl, and Seifer disappeared.  
  
"Hey, what's going on?" Selphie yelled just before she and Irvine vanished.  
  
You too.  
  
Edea, Cid, Fujin, and Raijin were all no more.  
  
And finally, the rest of you.  
  
Laguna, Kiros, Ward, and Ellone turned into thin air. All that was left was Squall and Rinoa.  
  
Come to think of it, you should leave too.  
  
Poof! Rinoa was gone.  
  
Aah.here we go.  
  
Squall looked around and gulped. Out of nowhere, a small Asian girl appeared beside him, grinning seductively.  
  
"Now let's get started." 


End file.
